Clinton Blames Election Loss On Zodiac Sign

After somehow managing to lose the 2016 presidential election to a neanderthal with daddy issues, candidate Hillary Clinton has started to re-emerge into the public eye. In a recent interview at the Women for Women International forum, Clinton claimed to take “absolute personal responsibility” for her election loss before matter-of-factly referring to her “unfortunate horoscope reading…

Plot Twist: Harry Gets Sorted into Hufflepuff, Shoots Heroin

HOGWARTS — After weeks of anxiously awaiting the Hogwarts sorting ceremony, young Harry Potter was elated to finally be in the great hall awaiting that glorious moment. “My mum told me if I get put into Hufflepuff I might as well just kill myself. I reckon she was only half-joking. Both parents were Ravenclaw so…

Heavenly Father Reveals the H in Jesus H. Christ stands for Hershel

EVERYWHERE–Hallelujah.  In an unlikely turn of events,  sources confirm that God, our Lord and Savior, Creator of All Things, released a statement on Tuesday explaining that the H in his son’s name stands for Hershel. “It seems that in the midst of a heated swear-off or driving a point home, my children use Jesus’s middle initial.…