With the NFL draft less than two months away, it’s incredibly important that every football fan read our analysis of high-aspiring young athletes that have a 50% chance of going bankrupt within three years from blowing their millions of dollars of earnings on hookers, high-risk tech startup investments, and online poker. Without further ado, here is our top ten for this year’s draft. These selections were made based on raw athleticism, football IQ, off-field conduct, and lifetime number of Four Lokos consumed.
1. Cleveland Browns – Dick McTurd III, QB, Madden ’05 PS2 Memory Card
Just when you thought it couldn’t get more “hybrid” than Jabrill Peppers. Throwing accuracy? 99. Speed? 99. Coverage? 99. Punting? 99. Dick McTurd is beyond human. Weighing 555 lbs at 7’2 tall McTurd is the ultimate Tom Brady/Walter Payton/Lawrence Taylor/Jerry Rice/Shane Lechler combo. The amber visor neckroll combo makes him a formidable kick returner as well. Slam dunk pick for the Browns.
2. New York Giants – Brady Quinn, QB, EAS Myoplex
Move aside Eli Manning, Brady Quinn is foaming at the mouth from his daily overdose of Myoplex and he’s about to knock your mouth breathing ass all the way to Ellis Island. After failing miserably to establish himself as a quarterback that can actually throw, Quinn should be drafted with heavy read-option usage in mind. Regardless, with the brute strength of a Roman Legionary and the greasy curls of a Greek Hoplite, nobody is keeping this man out of the end zone.
3. Indianapolis Colts – Michael Beasley, MLB, Knicks/Rockets/Heat/Timberwolves/Suns/Bucks
The only man on earth that has pulled off the amazing feat of dropping 42 points on the Sacramento Kings with a gigantic burning roach in his left hand the entire game. This legendary performance alone makes Michael a perfect candidate for shoring up that porous Indianapolis front seven. We also know that Colt’s owner Jim Irsay would never pass on a man who shares the same passion for being medicated at all times. Rumors have indicated that Irsay is already designing a special “hot-box” helmet for Beasley to effectively channel optimal levels of THC throughout games.
4. Cleveland Browns – Kyle Orton, QB, Chicago Bears
Besides his proficiency at not swallowing the fat dip he has in during games after getting sacked, Kyle Orton is also the only man bold enough to pull off the bowl cut-middle part-soul patch combo. Orton looks and plays like your friendly neighborhood garbage-truck driver, a persona that embodies everything that is Ohio. We all know the Browns would have fucked up this pick anyway, so why not give the city of Cleveland someone to relate to.
5. Denver Broncos – Rosie O’Donnell, G, Oprah Network
The Denver offensive line has been tumultuous for years, and it’s time to face the reality that the nimble feet of Rosie are the key to blocking vicious AFC West edge rushers like Khalil Mack and Darius Philon. The icing on the cake is that she has pull with the Oprah, which means free shit for everybody in Denver.
6. New York Jets – Hellen Keller, QB, Alabama
Being able to go through her progressions, tone out the noise, and see the field clearly is what has given Helen her reputation as a true field general. The only downside is that she’s been dead for 50 years which may have a negative impact on her draft stock in the weeks to follow.
7. Tampa Bay Buccaneers – Phil Rudd, Kicker/Drummer, AC/DC
After spending a second-round pick on shit-leg mental-wreck Roberto Aguayo, why not one up yourself by dropping a top ten pick on special teams. Former AC/DC drummer Phil Rudd has all of the traits of a hall of fame kicker. After facing prison time for trying to put a hit out on another human and possessing meth, Phil moved to Sri Lanka. Voodoo spirits possessed his right leg and he hasn’t missed a kick since.
8. Chicago Bears – Mel Kiper Jr, Front Office, Doucheville
Nevermind the fact that the GM Ryan Pace would be drafting a non-athlete here. This pick is basically just jumping on the grenade. We’re all tired of Kiper’s shitty analysis and “can of hairspray per day” Lego guy shaped haircut. Give the man an office at Bear’s headquarters and an Etch-A-Sketch to keep him preoccupied, and never worry about him fucking up a players draft stock again. After signing Mike Glennon to a Zillion dollar contact and trading away their future to move up and draft Mitch Trupicksky, the Bears deserve to be smited by the football gods.
9. New England Patriots (via trade) Dalai Lama, Spiritual Advisor, Tibet
The Patriots have a few more shots at grabbing another title, so we see them making a huge splash this year. If there is anyone left on earth that can deflate the three-way Brady, Belichick, Kraft ego trip it’s the Dalai Lama. After Wild Bill stares into those mystical bifocals, Patriots practices will become 90% mindfulness and 10% Himalayan salt lamp gazing.
10. Oakland Raiders – Fang Bo, WR, Chinese National Table Tennis Team
We know that Jon Gruden wants to take the league by the balls and there’s nobody more “Raiders” than Fang Bo. The ultra-athletic 2015 Chinese World Championship men’s singles table tennis silver medalist is the ultimate grinder. With hands softer than a masseuse and a swagger only comparable to Soulja Boy, this prodigal child of Mao is sure to raise a ruckus in the NFL.