5 Places To Find A Significant Other Before Valentine’s Day

Don't spend your Valentine's Day alone!

Sturgis Municipal Airport


Watch out Paris, South Dakota is up and coming as the next romance capital of the world! Buy your love interest the only copy of Motortrend left at the magazine kiosk and get to know each other as you wait in line for your cavity searches.

Cornfield from Children Of The Corn


Nothing says love at first sight like trying to run away from brainwashed Midwestern children that want to sacrifice your body to their demonic overlord.

Modern Day Opium Den


Crack houses aren’t what they used to be and Fentanyl is making a major comeback this season. Get cozy together underneath some shoddy rat-turd-covered blankets and plan your next nursing home Oxycontin heist.

Vending Machine Room B – 27th Floor, Willis Tower


Legend has it that this vending machine room has a better success rate than Craiglist casual encounters. Buy a bag of Andy Capp’s and an RC Cola like the weirdo you are and try to flirt it up with other white collar zombies stuck in their trajectory-less death spiraling accounting careers.



This shit suburb of the shit capital of the world (Cleveland) has the highest number of tinder accounts per square mile. It’s all a numbers game, folks. If you’re looking for date ideas try out the Akron Art Museum which pretty much only features blown up murals of LeBron James poster dunks.

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