According to a study recently released by the Vatican, there has been a shockingly high number of unwanted hard-ons experienced by churchgoing men each Sunday.
The data states that at any given time during a Sunday service there is at least one fully erect penis per pew. Taking the average five-person capacity of a pew divided by the roughly 26 million American males that attend church every week, it is estimated that there could be as many 5.2 million men trying to mask their ill-timed zipper busters at the same time.
“This erectidemic is something that must be combated swiftly and effectively. We’re entering dangerous territory with these occurrences starting to become more commonplace than morning wood,” commented Fran Flaccid, head of the Erection Control Department at the Vatican.
Flaccid also hinted that church projectors across the world may now feature half-naked glamour shots of Rosie O’Donnell to combat the continuously drifting minds of these sexually frustrated men.