As we begin 2018, nearly everyone has some sort of resolution for the coming year. Lose 15 lbs, read more books, laminate your Yu-Gi-Oh card collection. Regardless of what they might be, not many individuals end up sticking to these lofty goals. Being the realists that we are, we have compiled a more achievable list of self-improvement methods for our readers to attempt in a half-assed fashion over the next 12 months. Enjoy.
1. Start a cult
Whether you’re looking for an income stream to fuel your paint eating addiction or need a psychological defense mechanism to conceal your own self-hatred, look to start a cult. The foundation of every cult starts with the recruitment of mindless pawns and what better place than America to find them. Bring a case of Keystone and a Confederate flag to the nearest Trump rally and you’ll have a solid following before you can say “build the wall.” Brownie points if you can get them to worship an actual Cheeto.
2. Learn Sanskrit
Forget Spanish or Mandarin, a truly successful year requires learning a dead language. You’ll probably never use this, but ehhh, fuck it.
3. Listen to a Train Album on a Train
This is the ultimate mind fuck. Nothing really encompasses a fresh start like listening to the entire Drops of Jupiter album while blankly staring out of the window of a dilapidated public transit train car. Press your face against the cold glass and let Patrick Monahan’s voluptuous voice temporarily free you from your existential burdens.
4. Punch a Senator
Honestly, we don’t think there are many things in life that would be more enjoyable than clocking one of those senile bags of dust in the nose. Whether it be the condescending voice and squid-like facial features of Mitch McConnell or the constant stream of nonsensical bullshit that comes out of Elizabeth Warren’s mouth, there is no shortage of reasons to roll the dice with felony assault charges to deliver that perfect right hook.
5. Resolve your grievances by sending the ones you’ve wronged a signed copy of your headshot