GREEN BAY, WI – Since being a slightly-above-average contributor to the Packer’s offense for three years and contributing to the Superbowl XLV championship team, the whereabouts of tight end Jermichael Finley have been generally unknown.
GM Ted Thompson has been able to keep cheeseheads suspicions at bay by signing other solid tight ends such as Jared Cook and Martellus Bennett. However, Green Bay is once again in need of a serviceable tight end after releasing Bennett and questions are starting to resurface. Could Jermichael return and be the hero the team needs in these dark times? After successfully cracking the famous D.B. Cooper case, faux real investigators took a trip to Green Bay to find real answers for the people of Wisconsin.
It is important to note that we did some preliminary investigation into what we think happened before putting boots on the ground. Our working theory is that Finley spent his entire life savings on malt liquor and Kwik Trip donuts and is now a hermit living somewhere near the stadium.
After questioning hundreds of current and former Kwik Trip employees and searching the orifices of Lambeau, we were left stumped. We decided to do one last sweep of those famous stands and as we climbed the stairs next to section 354, we heard a strange noise coming from the center of row 15.
“Hit me up the seam Aaron.. shake n’ bake baby,” mumbled the washed-up tight end asleep under a shoddy blanket of torn-up practice jerseys whilst straddling a Steel Reserve bottle filled with dip spit.
Finley was in rough shape as we woke him from his midday nap. As he hoisted his upper body up onto the bleachers it became apparent that he had developed an extremely crippling case of rickets. You couldn’t help but want to laugh at the eyepatch donning, PBR hat-wearing former athlete as he repeatedly told us about how he exchanged his Super Bowl ring for a 30-rack of Keystone Light.
“Donald’s open! Throw him the slant!” he interjected every few minutes between mumbled verses of Roll Up by Wiz Khalifa.
At that moment, we realized there was no going back for Jermichael, so we left him in the stands in peace. Just like the Packer’s Superbowl aspirations, it was apparent that this man was forever stuck in 2011.