In an announcement that shocked the world, the Newt Gingrich outed himself as a literal newt on Monday.
“I am, and always have been, a newt controlling a humanoid robo-skeleton. I owe it to the American people to be honest. I come to you today not as a former House Speaker, but as a humble amphibian,” the semi-aquatic politician said in a prepared statement.
Newt’s statement is believed to be connected to a recent probe into his expenditures as House Speaker. Last week, The Washington Informer reported that over $2 million worth of mayfly nymphs were delivered to Newt’s office during his time as Speaker between 1995-1999. This discovery fueled accusations that Newt was, in fact, a salamander.
The former Speaker finished his announcement with a call for other amphibian people to out themselves and assume a new “slimy world order”. Millions of others are believed to be various types of salamander and frog people.