SEATTLE, WA – Before winter sets in around much of the United States, Starbucks CEO Kevin Johnson looks to make one more cash grab by introducing a new specialty fall-themed drink to the menu.
Feast your eyes upon the brand new Soggy Mulch Latte, a “perfect reflection” of what it’s like to walk outdoors between late September and early December.
“We wanted to redefine what it’s like to drink a coffee by creating a layered experience. As you sip your beverage you’ll notice different phases of tastes, much like the disgusting layers of half-frozen ground, soggy leaves, and dead grass everyone finds so delightful this time of year. God damn, we are so innovative,” responded Chief Marketing Officer Sharon Rothstein.
An experience it was indeed.
As we took our first sips of the quirky beverage, feeble tones of trodden soil tickled our taste buds. Simply exquisite. About 1/3 of the way through the drink, the texture of the drink changes. Small chunks of dead leaves begin to gently flow past the tip of the tongue and stick to the roof of the mouth. One also begins to taste layers of gasoline-soaked grass clippings, introducing a melancholy longing for a time when the grass was green and healthy. By the end of the drink, the texture and taste once again change to something closely resembling twigs, dog shit, and litter.
The temperature of the beverage was also different from the typical Starbucks offering. Rather than your usual option of hot or iced, this beverage is exclusively brewed at an inconsistently lukewarm temperature. One customer might get something around 68 degrees, with the next order being somewhere between 35 and 40 degrees.
“We are well aware of just how many customers have fallen in love with the Pumpkin Spice Latte over the years. This fall, we want to really dig deeper and find out exactly how effective we’ve been at manipulating them over the past ten years. We are honestly so good at marketing. I think they would probably drink their own piss if it was in a Starbucks cup,” reflects Johnson with an unsettling laugh.