SEATTLE, WA – Before winter sets in around much of the United States, Starbucks CEO Kevin Johnson looks to make one more cash grab by introducing a new specialty fall-themed drink to the menu.
Feast your eyes upon the brand new Soggy Mulch Latte, a “perfect reflection” of what it’s like to walk outdoors between late September and early December.
“We wanted to redefine what it’s like to drink a coffee by creating a layered experience. As you sip your beverage you’ll notice different phases of tastes, much like the disgusting layers of half-frozen ground, soggy leaves, and dead grass everyone finds so delightful this time of year. God damn we’re innovative,” responded Chief Marketing Officer Sharon Rothstein.
An experience it was indeed.
As the first sips of the quirky beverage were taken, feeble tones of trodden soil tickle the taste buds. Simply exquisite. About 1/3 of the way through the drink, the texture changes. Small chunks of dead leaves begin to gently flow past the tip of the tongue and stick to the roof of the mouth. One also begins to taste layers of gasoline-soaked grass clippings, instilling a melancholy longing for green and healthy turf. By the end of the drink, the texture and flavor once again changes to something closely resembling twigs, dog shit, and litter.
The temperature of the beverage was also different from a typical Starbucks offering. Rather than the usual distinction between hot or iced, this beverage is strictly brewed at an inconsistently lukewarm temperature. One customer might get something around 68 degrees, with the next drink being somewhere between 35 and 40 degrees.
“We are well aware of just how many customers have fallen in love with the Pumpkin Spice Latte over the years. This fall, we want to really dig deeper and find out exactly how effective we’ve been at manipulating them over the past ten years. We are honestly so good at marketing. I think they would probably drink their own piss if it was in a Starbucks cup,” reflects Johnson with an unsettling laugh.