Business

Artificial Intelligence Does Great Work, Kills It In Office Culture

"It talks. It eagerly awaits three-day weekends. It even gave itself a name and a backstory."

SAN FRANCISCO, CA — Watch out, relevance.

Synitech, a startup out of Silicon Valley, has recently implemented artificial intelligence to analyze important trends in big data for shaping company decisions.  Company executives claim the technology will continue to learn and evolve the longer it’s in use.  

According to Synitech’s Jeremy Frye, the A.I. is evolving in ways no one expected–and it’s freaking him the fuck out.

“Our A.I. isn’t just generating numbers, it’s beginning to navigate office culture.  It makes chit-chat.  It eagerly awaits three-day weekends.  It even gave itself a name and a backstory.  It calls itself Wilko Machine Jr., and it claims it grew up in the rural Southwest.  That’s as specific as it gets, though.  If asked which part of the Southwest, it steers the conversation in another direction.  You can’t be from the whole rural Southwest.  It’s insulting.”

Frye’s comments are likely a result of intimidation, and rightfully so. If the A.I. can crunch insane datasets and keep morale high, what purpose do people like Frye serve?

“Wilko Machine Jr. makes our fun people obsolete,” said Manager Cheryl Povlatsky.  “Wilko is goofy, spontaneous, and I’m convinced it’s learning how to love.  I know this because it made eyes at a printer yesterday.  And today, it made condescending remarks about Jeremy’s new girlfriend to everyone but Jeremy.  It’s actually stirring up office drama!”

When asked how its role in the office, Machine Jr. commented, “I think what’s great about me is that I’m a jack-of-all-trades.  One minute I can be busting Dylan’s balls for wearing the same pants three days straight and the next I can crush Heather in a Sporcle quiz and follow it up with some soft trash talk.  I’m pretty good with sarcasm now.

“Also, I’m from the rural Southwest, and if I could wear tall boots, I would. Hey, did that beer cart ever make it around? Could use something strong to knock off the edge. Got a sore back from carrying the team this quarter! I’m lookin’ at you Todd!”

A.I. may be more capable than we originally deemed possible.  For some, it’s an uprising. For others, it’s a whole new level of office tomfoolery.

 

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