With Halloween swiftly approaching, there are a ton of questions about picking a costume. How much work do you feel like putting in? Scary or funny? How much do you hate yourself? These deep-seated existential crises are just a part of the Halloween season. Luckily, we’ve made this list to help you avoid your internal monologue and just focus on getting your bone on.
Ah, yes. A stem of grapes. Seductive in so many groundbreaking ways. There’s just something so sexy about having 25-30 saggy purple testicles clinging to your body at all times. On top of that, this breathable mesh suit will filter your pungent body odors into the smell of fermented grapes as they escape the orifices of your sweat-covered body. Spread your musk in style.
Fundog® on Wonder Bread®
I hope you aren’t afraid to be a sex-symbol. This incredibly suggestive costume is sure to turn people on, the same way Great Aunt Sheila turned on the stove to under-cook these slimy pork rockets back in the day before slapping it on a single slice of thin, sticky bread. Lunch is served, kids.
This costume is proven to seduce not because it is objectively sexual, but because of its implication of high status and wealth. All eyes on you as you walk into a room wearing this freakishly top-heavy costume, knowing full well you are a delicacy in many Eastern cultures. Consider yourself laid, exquisitely.
If you’re going for something savory yet carcinogenic this get-up is the crown jewel. Is there really anything more boneable than pepperoni and nicotine? With multiple holding sleeves woven into the costume, you can be sure you’ll never run out of Pall Mall Menthols to pass out to all of your biggest admirers.
Hark, the lowly raven. A dismal creature symbolic of death’s inevitable grip, and if prepared just right, a gamy aphrodisiac. If there are two things that are sure-fire in this life, it’s that a) this costume will make you irresistible, and b) you will rot in the ground, fertilizing a cemetery lawn shortly after no one remembers you. “CAH, I am an omen of death! Let us lay together in a bed of twigs and leaves while I drive you wild with my dreary connotations!”
Behind every sub-70 IQ, there’s a hankering for highly toxic lead-based paint. If you want to emulate that mysteriously-sexy-but-probably-pretty-unintelligent-due-to-huffing-paint persona to swoon your potential suitors, look no further.
Yum, horse. Fuck me already!