Austin “Post Malone” Post, a 22-year old hip-hop wunderkind with a distinct aesthetic, has taken one look at modern physical expectations and raised two middle fingers to them with Bud Lights in each hand. He wears fringed, wiry school-girl pigtails. He rocks gnarly facial hair that’s constantly caught in a state between groomed stubble and microbrewery owner. He’s topped off with tats head-to-toe, a beer belly fed generously with a Bud Light endorsement, and a careless gold-toothed grin. It’s emblematic, genius, and fucking ridiculous. Google him. It’s like seeing the Grand Canyon for the first time.
The most perplexing part of this complicated man, however, is his bangs. What statement is this once-in-a-decade mega talent trying to make? They look horrendous, right? That’s what we thought, too, until we did some digging. You all should be god-damn ashamed of yourselves: the bangs are a result of a bad break-up.
That’s right you heartless monsters, sources confirmed last week that Post Malone has break-up bangs. They aren’t to make any sort of statement and it certainly isn’t a publicity stunt; he just wanted a fresh start.
In a recent interview he commented “Yeah, I think my bangs are widely misunderstood. Ever since my emotionally devastating split with my ex-fiance, I’ve wanted nothing more than to separate who I am today from the person I was a few months ago. These bangs are symbolic of that. They are healing. I’ve finally learned how to forgive that cheating whore and focus on me. Go fuck yourself, Nancy! And Nancy, we should grab coffee soon. See, healing.”
Post Malone is not about gimmicks. He doesn’t buy big expensive chains for status–he buys them because they can be swung around his neck like a hula-hoop when people get too close. He doesn’t drink Bud Light because he’s a sell out–he drinks them because they have a smooth, urine taste. And they paid him a little bit. The point is, Post Malone is a man of integrity and reason, and his bangs are no exception.
Post, faux real wishes you the best in your break-up, and we hope you find the fresh start you’re looking for.