Des Moines, IA – Some big changes have come to the Des Moines suburbs this afternoon – none more captivating than 52-year-old Paul Dietrich raising the deck height on his Toro Timecutter SS5000 zero-turn lawnmower.
In the hours to follow, every lawn-artist in the entire cul-de-sac was spotted in their garage tweaking their decks to follow suit.
“Wow. I mean wow. It’s only October 4th and Paul is already raising his deck half an inch? It’s a bold move for sure, but Paul has always been a turf innovator in this neighborhood. His clipping dispersion is flawless and don’t even get me started on those perfect lines. I’ve just never been able to get my deck to that sweet spot,” added awestruck neighbor Jack Eurle.
“I figured with the fewer hours of daylight we’ve had along with a higher concentration of methane in the air due to an increasing amount of livestock flatulence in Polk County, the blades of the grass will grow more perpendicularly than the semi-obtuse blade angles of the summer months,” retorted Dietrich as he cleaned his New Balances with 409 and paper towels.
“Increased perpendicular growth allows for thicker and taller blades. This, in turn, requires a higher deck height to allow a taller earth-to-blade gap which is necessary to increase the centrifugal force that allows for more efficient distribution of severed blades of grass across my lawn. Less surface area of dead grass to inhibit photosynthesis of live blades will only promote continuous healthy growth and a more elongated period of green turf.”
Paul insists that his only secret to success is a lot of elbow grease and a solid Springsteen vinyl collection.
It’s clear, however, that he is a very gifted individual with a crafty business mind. Numerous sources from within the neighborhood have confirmed that Dietrich is planning to host a tables ladders and chairs no-holds-barred wrestling match in the cul-de-sac between the chief marketing officers of Toro and John Deere over a 5-year celebrity endorsement deal.