Washington D.C.—In a public address that took place earlier this week, President Trump seemed cool, calm, and wildly unfiltered. He spoke with confidence, a sort of moxy that can only be described as “the sensation you get after shattering the local Chuck-E-Cheese ski-ball high score and shoving it in the birthday boy’s face”. After pulling Trump away from the TV for a scheduled interview that day, he revealed his secret to squashing nerves.
“Listen, I’ve had great success–tremendous success–speaking in front of people. I mean look at my tapes. All of them. People love me, and it’s because I know what they want. By the way, people respect the hell out of me. I get multiple e-mails a day–gorgeously written e-mails–saying I’m their guy. I’m their guy. And it’s because I speak the language of the American people, okay?”
After rephrasing the question multiple times over the span of 37 minutes, he finally revealed his tips for delivering large public addresses.
“What usually works is picturing people naked. Just the women–not the fat or ugly ones, though. And my god there are a lot of them out there, you’d be surprised. I mean, how hard is it really–especially if you’re a woman–to watch your figure? I’ve seen women, women with real potential give up on diets in the same day. The same exact day. And it’s hard to watch, especially if they’ve got a cute face. That’s why I only picture the beautiful, younger women naked. It’s worked for years now, and I use it every speech I give. I’d use it now but frankly you couldn’t turn me on if I had a six-foot switch. Just honesty, really.”
After managing to hold his attention for 42 minutes straight, Trump was such a good boy that White House staff rewarded him with a half-hour of computer time and a pizza Lunchable.