SEATTLE, WA — Since his failed stint as a professional commentator for ESPN in 2003, political firebrand and renowned mega-douche Rush Limbaugh has been itching to dive back into the NFL landscape. After witnessing the Seattle Seahawk’s recent struggles on the offensive line, Limbaugh pounced on the opportunity.
Using his wide-reaching conservative talk show, Rush mobilized his army of ultra-conservative minions to strike outside of CenturyLink Field for days on end until ownership was forced to relieve offensive line coach Tom Cable of his duties and hire Rush.
“The Seattle Seahawks offensive line needs fixing. They’re leakier than a gas station condom — not that I would ever condone using a communist invention like condoms.” reflected Limbaugh
According to sources within the organization, the former talk show host is attempting to drastically change the culture of the offensive line using unorthodox tactics.
“Rush was up at 5:30 this morning putting life-sized Barack Obama sleeves over the blocking sleds. He’s also been starting every offensive-line morning meeting with a rosary circle followed by a conservative-themed slam poetry session,” commented one equipment manager who wished to remain anonymous.
Some of the more outspoken members of the Seahawks, including starting cornerback and Stanford communications graduate Richard Sherman, expressed concern over the recent hiring.
“He said if any of us took a knee during the national anthem he would unleash the full force of the military-industrial complex on CenturyLink Field. Knowing Rush, he’s not kidding.”
At press time in this afternoon in Seattle, Rush was apparently seen roasting a suckling pig on the Seahawk’s practice field with a Dutchmasters cigar in mouth, shouting at starting guard Mark Glowinski to drop his hips like he would “drop a snowflake lib-tard in a Missouri bar brawl.”