MIAMI, FL — Newly anointed Dolphins starting quarterback Jay Cutler has managed to run into trouble in Miami before the ink has dried on his contract.
The 34-year-old journeyman was allegedly arrested at Miami International Customs after failing to declare the 50 cartons of (10,000 total) Marlboro cigarettes from Thailand in his checked luggage.
“I don’t see what the big deal is. If those pigs think Smokin’ Jay is gonna pass up on a months supply of half-price heaters they got another thing comin.” replied the interception aficionado.
According to ESPN’s Adam Schefter, Cutler was vacationing in Bangkok in order to avoid Adam Gase’s constant badgering but finally gave in after Gase was able to track him down at a handjob factory on Bangla Road.
“Here I was minding my own business about to get my happy ending when this 6-year-old Thai boy in a loincloth walks in and hands me a flip phone with Adam on the line. I can respect that kind of persistence.”
According to inside sources, Cutler verbally agreed to his 1-year $10 million contract while finishing his handjob and went straight to 7/11 to stock up on darts before catching the next flight out of Bangkok.
“Yeah, you could say we had to pull a few strings. I was on the phone with a ladyboy named Boon-Nam for an hour and ended up having to pay 20,000 Baht just to get Jay’s location. Not to mention the bail money and legal fees for the cigarette smuggling. But it should all be worth it once we go 7-9 and miss the playoffs!” commented Gase.