Tired of trudging to campus only to fall asleep in another boring lecture? Are you an unmistakable genius that’s “misunderstood” by your professors? Fuck it. It’s time to accept that you need to drop out of college and chase the new American dream: working for yourself! Sharpen your sales skills and entrench yourself in one of our three favorite pyramid schemes and you’ll have enough cash to cover all the necessities like rent, groceries, and your bi-weekly case of Miller Lite.
3. Mary Kay Cosmetics
Ladies, want to get a “consultant” position without a degree while smelling like your great-aunt Dolores at all times? Mary Kay is just what you need. Take a look in the nearest mirror and smile to yourself nice and big. Remember that smile. Remember what it’s like to be happy as you fill your living room and kitchen with wine-fueled and passive-aggressive housewives twice a month. Remember what it was like to not have 17 boxes of Frosted Rose lipstick taking up half the space in your basement. Anyways, don’t let any of that keep you from giving up that stupid diploma to make bank as an Independent Beauty Consultant!
This one is for all the gym rats out there. If you’ve ever wanted a good excuse for posting pictures of your ass or six-pack on Instagram daily just join the Herbalife team! Blow the rest of your savings on a healthy inventory of Herbalife products and start hustling. Things may start slow, but keep your eyes on the prize. Those new Lulu joggers aren’t gonna pay for themselves. Stock up on inspirational quotes and make sure to use the #InstaFit hashtag at least three times a day. Is there anything more fulfilling than tripling your Instagram follow count while selling useless overpriced powder to a bunch of desperate fat people? We didn’t think so.
1. College Works Painting
Does cold-calling 100+ college freshman every day tickle your fancy? Haven’t you always dreamt of having your own business account with Sherwin-Williams? Look no further than an internship with College Works Painting. Put this job at the top of your resume afterward and it’ll surely outshine that incomplete undergraduate degree. Most hiring managers won’t care about a stupid piece of paper if they already know you’re cold-blooded enough to scam 70-year-old women into overpaying for a sloppy paint job. Legendary dropout entrepreneurs such as Steve Jobs, Mark Zuckerberg, and Bill Gates all started out at College Works, so why wouldn’t you? This highly rewarding opportunity really is the cream of the crop.
Too many students today are drowning in student debt these days. Don’t let these thieves keep stealing from you! Drop out now. Just because you’ve already taken out loans for your first (or seventh) tuition payment doesn’t mean you’re committed to anything. Why keep paying more? Burn all of those worthless textbooks and move on with your life. With these three golden business opportunities, you’ll have all your debts paid off easily within two months.