FALLOUT SHELTER, ND — Forget anything you thought you knew about political ideologies and the massive military circle jerk between China, Russia, and the United States in the 1950’s. The destruction of our natural world has ultimately come down to the fact that both Donald Trump and Kim-Jong Un have deep-seated father abandonment issues. We have a been granted a very rare interview with Daddy Issues himself to get to the bottom of this hypothesis.
“Man, I was more than happy to provide material for sorority girl jokes for all these years, but I never meant for this shit to go so far,” sighed the Freudian complex as he sparked the last cigarette from the carton he was able to snag from 7/11 before the cataclysmic conflict.
“I latched on to the collective subconscious of Donald Trump and Kim Jong Un at an early age, but I never thought either of those fat fucks would eventually have the balls to start a multinational thermonuclear war.”
Issue’s reports that he started to fester within the brain of young Donald on multiple occasions when he tried to tag along to his father’s real estate meetings in the 1950’s “only to be sent away hurriedly to the nearest drug store with a few hundred dollar bills to buy a tub of Play-Doh and some Ovaltine for himself. ”
Additionally, the psychoanalytic theorem recalls the first time he settled permanently into the pre-frontal cortex of Kim Jong Un in the 90’s:
“Much like Trump, Kim grew up very privileged. However, for every brand new Mercedes and stripper bestowed upon him there were twice as many instances of Kim Jong-Il skipping family dinner and forgetting Un’s birthday.”
“Ultimately, both of these neurotic dickheads needed to stroke their own egos to cope with the psychological damage caused by relentless neglect from their mega-dickhead fathers. It just so happens that they both ended up with the ability to vanquish entire geographic regions at the same time in world history. I guess it was the perfect storm,” reflected the crestfallen Issues as he ashed his final dart and disappeared back into the depths of the dingy fallout shelter.