LAFAYETTE, CO – 20-year-old Autumn Appleby woke up in the middle of the night breathing heavily and covered in sweat. She had just experienced her worst nightmare in years.
She looked over to her nightstand timidly. After seeing her $1,500 Nikon DSLR camera (that she keeps on auto-settings at all times) she let out a sigh of relief.
Thank god that was just a dream. I can’t imagine living in a world without veggie burgers, VSCO, and chia seeds.
Just to be sure she wasn’t still dreaming, she turned on her bedside lamp and sifted through some trendy fake candids she took with her besties at Coachella with her $500 “antique” Polaroid camera.
Ugh.. Brie’s love handles are showing in half these pictures. They aren’t even acceptable for a Facebook album. And I can’t believe Raven’s forehead zit that totally ruined our selfie with Flume.
After checking her bank account on her Macbook Air to be sure her investment banker daddy wired her enough money for VIP tickets to the Chainsmokers concert in Denver, she grabbed her brand new iPhone 7 and started to read Huffington Post articles about the evils of body-shaming, corporate America, and modern capitalism.