EVERYWHERE–Hallelujah. In an unlikely turn of events, sources confirm that God, our Lord and Savior, Creator of All Things, released a statement on Tuesday explaining that the H in his son’s name stands for Hershel.
“It seems that in the midst of a heated swear-off or driving a point home, my children use Jesus’s middle initial. Over the past 200 decades, people have been wondering what that H actually stands for, and in my typical ominous fashion, I found a great deal of joy keeping people guessing. I wanted to take this opportunity to clear the air: the H stands for Hershel.”
God’s statement, first discovered in the spam folder of Pope Francis’s Yahoo account with the header ‘~PEEP THIS~’, went on the explain that Hershel was the name of Jesus’ grandfather, Hershel Christ, a hardworking Irish farmer who migrated to the U.S. in the late nineteenth century in search for a better life for himself and his family. “Hershel embodied everything we Christs stand for; it only made sense to honor him in a meaningful way.”
The statement, although a modern miracle, raises more questions than answers. When asking Texan bishop Don Heape his thoughts on the matter, he stated “I still find it extremely puzzling that of all the holy controversy, God chose to send an oddly specific message about something so minuscule. Why not address a widely disputed topic like the meaning of life? What kind of agenda does God have for us? Will swearing be more hilarious now that people will say ‘Jesus Hershel Christ’? It’s all very overwhelming.”
Even Pope Francis himself didn’t know how to respond to the e-mail, simply writing back “God–thank you for the kind message. We’ll be in touch. Best, Pope F. -Sent from my iPhone” .