11 Things You Still Don’t Know About Alexander Hamilton

vape-hamiltonThis past year gave way for one of most revered pieces of art in recent history: the Broadway sensation Hamilton.   The show illustrates the life and career of Alexander Hamilton, a founding father and genius who helped sculpt the United States into what it is today through his tenacious mentality and obsession with his own legacy.   Hamilton gave the American people a glimpse into the life of this prominent historical figure, however, the show didn’t capture all of it.  That’s why we compiled a list of 11 things you still don’t know about Alexander Hamilton, even after seeing Hamilton.

1. Alexander is Greek for “Federalist Urchin”

You probably could have pieced this little inevitability together yourself, but we thought we’d tack it on.  In enigmatic fashion, Alexander directly translates to “Federalist Urchin” in the Greek language.  The odds were stacked against him from an early age needless to say.

2. He never let his work interfere with being at every single one of his son’s high school basketball games (only home games)

Alexander was an incredible father when his son wasn’t on the road.  Through all the paperwork and nation establishing he devoted himself to, he always found time to criticize his boy’s athletic inadequacies publicly from the fifth row of the bleachers.

“Box out Phillip! Get a body on him!” -A. Hamilton

3. Just laid there

Selfish or merited?  You decide.

4. Was the outspoken owner of the Dallas Mavericks

After striking it big from selling his company ‘Broadcast.com’, newly endowed Hamilton decided to invest in his cherished NBA franchise, the Dallas Mavericks.  He was an atypical owner, sitting courtside at games and being as much of a fanatic as he was a business professional.

5. Made a point to use the word “betwixt” and least once every lunar cycle

Straight from Ron Chernow’s Alexander Hamilton biography: “Perhaps the most perplexing characteristic of Hamilton was his need to use the word ‘betwixt’ once every lunar cycle.  No one can attest to the reasoning for the usage nor the self-assigned time table, but records indicate he never once broke his commitment.  Sometimes, during a late waning gibbous when Hamilton forgot to use the word seamlessly in conversation, he would just blurt out ‘Betwixt!’ in the middle of the night, scaring the absolute shit out of his wife or mistress.  He was misunderstood in this regard.”

6. Was known throughout the vape community as “Hukkah-xander Vapelton”

“Hamilton, please stop vaping in the trenches!” -George Washington during The Battle of Monmouth

7. Once exclaimed “Hang a salami, I’m a lasagna hog!’ without realizing it was a palindrome

Did he know on some subconscious level the weight of his exclamation?  Perhaps; all that is known for sure is that Hamilton had a hankering that only a hearty salami lasagna could satisfy.

8. Referred to gavels as “tiny croquet mallets”

The man was perhaps one of the most educated intellectuals of his time, but for some reason, he had nonsensical gaps in his knowledge.  Never once did Hamilton refer to gavels as gavels, but instead called them “tiny croquet mallets”.  He was never corrected nor confronted on this, but it definitely struck many as odd.

9. Would go out of his way to slap John Adams on the ass because he knew he hated it

Hamilton was notorious for getting a rise out of people, and admittedly, John Adams had a slappable ass.  “Damn Johnny Beefcake, you been hitting the lunges lately?  I could bounce a quarter off that caboose!”

John absolutely detested it, or at the very least acted as if he did.

10. Coined the phrase “There’s no we in masturbate!”

This was a complete win.

11. Would play his rain stick at the most inopportune times

Hamilton always found the percussive sound of the rain stick soothing, so when he finally bought one of his own, he played it every chance he got.  He most famously played it leading his troops into battle during the revolutionary war, and although a nuisance to tote into battle, the British militia found it incredibly tasteful.

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