For over 45 years, the mystery of D.B. Cooper has gone unsolved despite exhaustive efforts by the FBI and the American public. After boarding Northwest Airlines flight #305 and downing a bourbon and water, a middle-aged man by the name of Dan Cooper displayed what appeared to be a bomb in a briefcase to a flight attendant. Upon the flight’s landing in Seattle, Cooper demanded $200,000 in ransom money, four parachutes, and a refueling of the aircraft. The flight took off again on a path towards Reno before the cash-laden Cooper jumped out of the plane into the night somewhere over Washington.
Today, we at faux real are excited to inform the American people that the case has finally been cracked in the most unlikely of circumstances.
On the morning of March 15th, 2017, former New York Giants legend and Hall of Fame defensive end Michael Strahan was brushing his teeth like any other morning. For no particular reason, Strahan decided he’d do an extra scrub around the gaping gorge between his two front teeth.
“Something felt a little bit funny in there, like a really big popcorn kernel was stuck or somethin’,” recalls Strahan.
After a few minutes of prodding, Strahan began extracting twenty dollar bills from his canyon-sized dental orifice. Before long, Strahan was finally able to pluck what appeared to be a disgruntled 80-year-old Cooper from his mouth.
“Dagnammit it took you kids long enough! I would’ve turned myself in years ago when the knees started to give out, but I got stuck right between this buffoons teeth.”
It is unclear at this time what other discoveries may be made inside the former sack artist’s orthodontal crevasse, but it is rumored that the likes of Joseph Kony and Amelia Earhart may also be concealed within.