EVANSVILLE, IN – After suffering through a lifetime of stolen lunch money, no-show birthday parties, and lonely Christmases, local loser Edmund Everly has finally found popularity at Benedict Manor nursing home as a Wheel of Fortune virtuoso.
Ever since correctly guessing the phrase ‘eyebrows on fleek’ with only two given letters on his first try, Everly has been almost literally suffocating in postmenopausal poon.
“I knew all those years watching reruns alone in my apartment would eventually pay off.” replied the 86-year-old as he swigged down a mixture of Cialis and Lipitor in preparation for his next geriatric gang-bang.
Besides the sex and drugs, Edmund has been enjoying newfound perks in the home such as extra glasses of prune juice, skipping prostate exams, and being able to play two BINGO cards at a time.
“Sometimes when I can’t tell if he’s dead or not I just turn on Wheel of Fortune and Merv Griffin’s smooth voice springs him wide awake. ” commented his CNA Charlie.
“You gotta hand it to the guy, he’s a fucking legend. He can guess wheel of fortune phrases while he’s on his stomach getting the shit wiped out of his ass. That’s some next level stuff.”