The 5 Hottest College Spring Break Destinations: 2017 Edition

In the weeks approaching spring break each year, college students spend countless hours conducting research before finally choosing the ultimate week-long party destinations. This decision-making process is extensive and many different factors must be taken into account including: amenities, price, crime index, and accessibility to opiates.

We understand how much of a burden this decision can be for partygoers, so we weighed all of the aforementioned factors and used streamlined algorithms to discover the absolute craziest spring break destinations of 2017.

5. Skjoldungen, Greenland


Welcome to Skjoldungen, Greenland’s premier party place. The opportunities for fun on this tundra covered 173.9 square mile island are endless! Abandoned Inuit camper cabins are only 5 Danish Krones per night and include various luxury amenities and surprises. Mattresses? Yeah right. Sleep stress-free on a bed of permafrozen Arctic moss instead! Don’t fret about your next meal with an endless supply of  frozen Musk Oxen ordure to indulge in.

Two must-bring items:

4. Kugluktuk, Nunavut, Canada


With a population of only 1,450, Kugluktuk may seem like a modest and quaint little Canadian hamlet, however our research dug up so much more. The average night out usually includes huffing multiple shots of Jenkem while passing the crack pipe around a high-spirited dumpster fire gathering! Be sure to grab an extra warm pelt from your closet; Kugluktuk can get a bit nippy with a mean daily temperature of 13.5 °F.

Two must-bring items:

  • 12 lbs of Arm & Hammer baking soda
  • As I Lay Dying by William Faulkner

3. Detroit, Michigan


Welcome to “America’s Greatest Comeback City” – land of the second highest murder rate in the United States and birthplace of every suburban white kid’s favorite rapper: Big Sean. Bored of your typical night of bar hopping? Pick up an ice-cold Colt 45 from the closest window-barred liquor store and check out some of the city’s most treasured abandoned industrial parks and mold-infested public elementary schools!

Two must-bring items:

  • 240 Gallons Febreze Air Freshener
  • 8 Mile Soundtrack

2. Pyongyang, North Korea


Looking for a little taste of despotism this spring? Look no further than North Korea! Take a bare bones trip across the pond to lovely capital of Pyongyang. Pick up some rice-wine for the pregame and drink until you piss off the government enough to make international news. Don’t worry though, making friends has never been easier, just bring any amount of any kind of food and the locals will flock.

Two must-bring items:

1. Aleppo, Syria


Watch out South Padre and PCB! Aleppo is hands down the hottest party destination of this year. Cozy up in a half-destroyed abandoned home by day and get hammered with the local militia at night! There’s plenty of concrete and hard-tack to munch on if you get hungry and if you get lucky you may get to rip a shot with local party legend Gary “Thickliver” Johnson

Two must-bring items:

We hope this guide has been helpful to all of you cash-strapped undergrads looking for the ultimate binge drinking and drug-infused spring break experience. Stay lit.

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