“C’mon c’mon c’mon look at me!” muttered 2016 Libertarian presidential candidate Gary Johnson under his breath at innocent mall-goers as they shuffled past his glowing kiosk of cell phone cases.
It’s apparent that the former New Mexico governor has finally found his calling selling phone cases at the Eastland Mall in Columbus, Ohio after being blindsided by a landslide defeat on election night.
“The key is to get them to make eye contact with you. As soon as I lock eyes with someone, I can read ’em like a book.” responded Johnson as he applied drops of Visine to help out with his alleged seasonal allergies.
“You got a phone? I got a case for it. You don’t have a phone? Well I bet your grandma could use a nice pink glitter gloss for that old Iphone 3. Grandma’s dead? Give Gramps a call. Let him know we got a 2 for 1 deal on matte cases for 65+ and the deceased!”
Besides the benefits of working on commission selling “steezy” phone cases, Johnson also mentioned a sweet deal with the manager of Hot Topic that has “some flame-ass chief.”