Eight Tips on How to Avoid Strokes

Trigger warning: strokes, Seth Rogen

Strokes; you either love ’em, or you’ve been damaged enough by a stroke-related family trauma to not see their hilarity. Personally, I find myself holding back a juvenile chuckle every time a stranger spews gibberish and keels over from failing to deliver enough oxygen and vital nutrients to their brain tissue. That’s Seth Rogen funny.


Whether or not you feel the need to dramatically jut your body away to hide your guilty smirk and stifle a few churlish giggles, strokes are harmful and extremely serious.  In fact, nearly every person we interviewed was violently slapping their left-face to make sure it wasn’t surrendering just thinking about strokes.  Coincidentally enough, in the midst of one interview, there was a 50/50 chance that local rabbi David Rosenbluth was, in fact, suffering from the early stages of a stroke (that or he was speaking the dying Hebrew tongue).

According to Pew Research, nearly 46% of stroke victims know they are having a stroke before it is too late (TIME).

Strokes are not just for the elderly and faithful Jewish shepherds (maybe), but they are for all who neglect their health and ignore their genes.  They affect people like you and me.  In response to this, I decided to compile a list of eight simple tips to help avoid strokes and to maintain the balance and serenity your face deserves.

1. Record your daily intake of sodium.

Nothing quite begs fthor a stroke like a high sodium diet.  An easy way to manage this intake is by reading each food item’s package carefully to identify the sodium content in each serving, then logging it in a small notebook labeled “Stop Right There, Salty Eats!”.  After totaling the daily intake, train yourself through classical conditioning methods to never eat such abominable levels of NaCl again. Stroke averted.

2. Don’t drink excessively.

I CAN’T STRESS THIS ENOUGH.  If you find yourself drinking heavily 3-4 times a week, the risk of suffering from the frozen face increases exponentially.  Blacking out not only can cause serious inconsistencies in blood traffic to the brain, but can reduce brain activity and tissue growth.  Furthermore, the left hemisphere reacts poorly to the neurotransmitters of the fimnal reformaof gumbawllllls..i gont kno wut juddt hppened to mu\ fscr .gerpo smig kerumfkjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjddddddddddddddddddjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddfdfwfefFFFFFFFEFEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEdddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd

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