“I just wanted to buy some eggs and a loaf of bread without having to stand here in front of the cashier and stare off into space for what feels like nine fucking years!” commented Glenda Doyle, a mother of three from Sigel, Pennsylvania.
According to the U.C. Davis Center for Consumer Research, the average chip-card transactions lasts a grueling 7-10 seconds (about the time it takes for 4,108 children under the age of five to die globally).
“These transactions last just long enough for me to have a mini existential crisis.” responded 30-year old Dale Weaver of Ely, Minnesota. “I hope the cashier can’t tell that I’m thinking about the fact that one day I will inevitably pass into a black abyss of nothingness.”
Not only does this technological innovation affect consumers, it also has a tremendous impact on cashiers nationally.
“I’m about ready to quit this job. I thought I could just stand here, ring up these assholes, and make enough cash to bring my girlfriend to Olive Garden once a month. Now I’m expected to make small-talk for 10 seconds?” grumbled 17-year-old Walmart cashier Davy Diggs as he rang up a bottle of preparation-h and a bag of hot dog flavored Lays for some guy named Ham.