As banks have revamped their security measures on credit card transactions in the past year, the level of discomfort among U.S. consumers during said transactions has increased sharply.
“I just wanted to buy some eggs and a loaf of bread without having to stand here in front of the cashier and stare off into space for what feels like nine fucking years!” commented Glenda Doyle, a mother of three from Sigel, Pennsylvania.
According to the U.C. Davis Center for Consumer Research, the average chip-card transactions lasts a grueling 7-10 seconds (about the time it takes for 4,108 children under the age of five to die globally).
“These transactions last just long enough for me to have a mini existential crisis.” responded 30-year old Dale Weaver of Ely, Minnesota. “I hope the cashier can’t tell that I’m thinking about the fact that one day I will inevitably pass into a black abyss of nothingness.”
Not only does this technological innovation affect consumers, it also has a tremendous impact on cashiers nationally.
“I’m about ready to quit this job. I thought I could just stand here, ring up these assholes, and make enough cash to bring my girlfriend to Olive Garden once a month. Now I’m expected to make small-talk for 10 seconds?” grumbled 17-year-old Walmart cashier Davy Diggs as he rang up a bottle of preparation-h and a bag of hot dog flavored Lays for some guy named Ham.