SOMEWHERE IN KENTUCKY, KY—Some things never change.
Every Halloween since Melissa Parsons was seven years old, her mother, Joan, has sent her off trick-or-treating with the same advice: Stay away from candy that isn’t wrapped. Melissa, a 25 year-old women, has since outgrown going door-to-door in search of sweets, but she hasn’t outgrown Joan’s wise words.
Joan sent Melissa the following string of texts Tuesday afternoon:
Joan followed up later with a phone call, emphasizing that unwrapped penis was bad news. “There’s sick people in the world; who knows where that penis has been! Your best bet is to go with penis that’s wrapped and that you’ve had before. It may even be worth asking around to see who gives out the best penis!
“I know you hear this every year, but I’m just trying to keep you safe, Kiddo. Anyway enjoy the sex!”